This is something new for me. I’m not sure how to say what is on my mind right now, so I figured I type it out and try to put the words together as best as I can.
Written on 11/15/15
Where do I start. It’s been two days since she left me for her ex. After a brief trip to Atlanta, I’m feeling a little better…but not all the way. I must say, it took some time to get there.
FRIDAY: She broke up with me on fucking Friday the 13th. After a long week full of stress, this was the icing on the cake. I lost it. I slammed my fist down on my desk which made an extremely loud noise. Everyone stood up and looked at me. After repeatedly saying “FUCK”, I left. Came back to my apartment and chugged Fireball. Went back to work, put my headphones in, and didn’t talk to anyone. Co-workers came by to ask me what was wrong. I ignored them. While already pissed/upset, I was dealing with a fucking bitchy client of mine. That pushed me even further. After I got off the phone with her, I threw my headset at my computer which resulted in another loud noise, my whiteboard falling, and my coffee spilling all over the place. Went to my boss and told her I was leaving. I couldn’t even work out. I went home, cried, took a shower, and drank. Why was this happening? What did I do wrong? Those were thoughts going through my head. I deleted her from snap chat and Instagram. I deleted her number. I felt this is what I needed to do, but at the same time, all I was thinking about is what the fuck am I doing. I drove by her place to drop off what I had written about her a few days prior. Felt she needed to know. At this very moment, she is still on my mind. After dropping off the notes, I went to El Jalisco’s to drink by myself. One of my good friends in ATL called me because she heard what happened. After chatting with her, I knew I needed to go down there to get away from fucking Greenville. Needed to vent to someone close in person. Ended my night drinking, wondering where it all went wrong…hoping for a text from her. Nothing.
SATURDAY: I woke up praying there was a text from her. Nothing. At this point, I felt somewhat better, but empty. I felt as if all the feelings she told me she had for me was a lie. A fucking lie. I’ve been in several relationships that lasted a couple of years. I’ve never felt the way I was feeling with her…with those other girls…and I’ve only known her for a couple of months. On my way to ATL, all I could think about was her. I started listening to only Eminem so I can get my mind off her, and it worked…until Space Bound came on. “I’ll do whatever it takes. When I’m with you I get the shakes. My body aches when I ain’t with you, I have zero strength. There’s no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries no lengths.” Just made me think about her so much because I would do just about anything for her. I miss her. After arriving to ATL, I was able to talk to my friend. Talking to her made me feel a little better but I still miss her like crazy. I think this is partly my fault. I put so much trust in her and opened myself up so much. If I didn’t then I probably wouldn’t be feeling this way. The second I started talking to her though, I knew she was something special. When we started officially dating, I’ve never been happier. This sucks man. I tried not to think about her at all Saturday night, yet I still found myself on her FB page wanting to see her beautiful face. I had no more pictures of her (I deleted them because I would be tempted to look at them so often), so this was the only way to see her face. I had to send her a message. After telling her not to talk to me again on Friday, I realized I didn’t mean it. I wanted her to know I was still here for her if things didn’t work out…because I truly am. Send. I didn’t expect a response back…I just wanted her to know.
SUNDAY: I woke up nervous. Missing her. Again, I wanted her to know so I messaged her telling her I missed her. Send. Went for some brunch with my friend and talked more about her. My friend told me that if it was meant to be, then she will come back. Deep down I know it’s true, but I wanted her now. Her hugs, her kisses, seeing her beautiful eyes and smile. I wanted it now! No matter what we talked about, it would always come back to be about her. I told my friend that I felt like I was falling in love. That was a lie. I think I was actually in love with her. Part of me wants to do whatever it takes to show my love and get her back. The other part wants me to give her space. When I keep thinking about this though, what she said (texted) to me keeps going through my mind…”It’s bad timing”, “Moving too fast”’, “I wasn’t over my ex.” Reminding myself of this makes me feel like I have no shot. But what the hell did I do wrong? I just can’t put my head around it. For the past 3 ½ years, I’ve told everyone I don’t want a girlfriend. Never told them why, but this is why. I get attached. Even when I met her, I was a little hesitant with dating for this reason. But then, something hit me. When I’m with her, I don’t want to be with anyone else. Only her. I was actually glad I was “taken”. I’ve never been more comfortable. For the first time, I actually wanted to settle down…with her. This is all I thought about on the drive home. Now I’m back, and all I can wonder is if she misses me. Does she still care about me? Will we be together again?…I just don’t want her to be the one that got away…