Written on 11/21/15
So, I usually write these blogs out on paper first, before I type it out. That is usually because I write throughout the day and I wanted to make sure I captured each thought I had on paper. Tonight is different. No pen. No paper.
Been drinking that Yuengling just about all day, so I’m feeling good. Really good. Jamming out to some Breaking Benjamin now and eating some pasta. Gotta get those carbs in. Felt like I’ve been drinking all week long. Oh wait…I actually have. Every day, for the past week, I’ve been drinking. That is not good, but sadly, that is the only way I have been able to sleep lately. So much on my mind. It’s also the only way to prevent me from doing something stupid.
I told my sister and brother in law today the real reason I’m single. They laughed, not at me, but because of the reason why. For some reason, I felt a little anger. Even though I think it is a little messed up myself, I still care about that girl and would still do just about anything for her. Call me pathetic, but it’s the truth.
I understand people aren’t perfect and we all make mistakes. Hell, I’ve made PLENTY of mistakes myself and I am far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like my mistakes I’ve made in the past are catching up to me…karma. Maybe that is why I’m in the predicament I am in now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a great past couple of days, and I know I said I was over all this bullshit, but I still think about Andrea and sometimes I do get a little sad but I try not to show anyone. Everybody believes I’m over it and I’m back to how I used to be. That is sort of a lie. I never thought that one girl would have this kind of impact. Fuck, I never thought that one person in general would have this kind of impact on me. It is what it is though. I’m not going to harp on the past, but try to look towards the future. Sometimes I wonder though…will I ever find someone who loves me for me? I mean, I’m weird. I’m a fucking weird person. I’ll admit it because I don’t mind. I just sometimes doubt I will find someone who accepts me for who I truly am.
It’s not easy for me to trust someone, but when I do, I give it my all. I put everything into whatever kind of relationship we have. That is my weakness. That is my vulnerability. It’s a blessing and a curse. I will always be 100% committed.
I still find myself sending Andrea Facebook messages, even if they don’t really mean anything. I just want to see if she will respond, because this is the only way of communicating with her and for some reason I do not want to lose that. People tell me to let go and stop. Wait for her to text/call/message you. Don’t force anything….I’m afraid if I stop then I will never hear from her again. I know she is with a girl now, and I’m not sure how long that will last. People will think I’m an idiot if I ever get back with her, as I‘ve been told already. Hell, at first I thought I would have been an idiot if I ever did that after finding out she left me for a girl. But honestly, I love her. Those feelings won’t just go away overnight. I’m not afraid to say it anymore…I love her. I just feel it is too late now…