Written on 11/16/15
DAY NUMBER 3: I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday. I feel empty and betrayed. I’m at work and all I can think about is her. My headphones are in and I’m ignoring everyone who is trying to talk to me. For some reason, me writing all this calms me down slightly. I think I have this thought somewhere in the back of my head that she will read this and feel what I’m feeling…or at least care. In reality, that is highly unlikely. It’s about 10 AM and I already want the day to be over. The people who I manage to talk to have been asking me how my weekend was. Why the fuck must they ask. My weekend fucking sucked. Of course I can’t tell them that…so I lie and say it was good. Headphones back in. In reality, it was horrible. Thoughts…bad thoughts…unhealthy thoughts…were running through my head. All weekend. Sad thing is, I almost let it consume me. I almost believed it’s what I needed to do. It was the only way to feel better. Thankfully, I didn’t. I’m trying not to think about her, but I keep wondering what she is doing. Is she thinking about me? Does she feel bad for what she did? Was I not good enough for her? FUCK! I’m hurting but I don’t want to tell anyone. I want to cry, but I can’t. I want her back. I want to see her texts, her snaps, her beautiful face like how it used to be…but I know I can’t. It will just make things worse. Now that I think about it, why was I notified through text of this shit? Did I not mean enough to you for a simple phone call or maybe something face to face? I don’t know…maybe I wasn’t good enough and that is why she left. I haven’t known her for very long like my past girlfriends, but the time I did know her for was all I needed. She caught me off guard in more ways than one. Never thought I would fall for her and never thought she would pull this shit on me. I just want her back…her eyes, her beauty, her personality, her humor, her flaws…I want it all back. In my eyes, she is the most perfect imperfection. Her natural beauty is far better and more gorgeous than anything I’ve ever seen. I miss her gentle touches, the sex, holding hands, cuddling…OK, I need to stop.
It’s 11:20 AM and I cannot stop thinking about her. I need to try though. The song I’m listening to, “The Hills”, definitely isn’t helping. With everything I have going on, it makes me think of one of my favorite quotes: “Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” It is tough. At times, I feel weak because my weakness is attachment. This isn’t the first time it has happened to me, so I figured it would be easier, but again…it’s her. There is something special about that girl…
Had to run back to the apartment because I couldn’t stand being here. All I want to do is talk to her..and see her again. This is what I get for letting my guard down, something I only do for certain people. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and will ultimately be positive, whether it is now or in the future. Maybe this is happening so she can realize how much I mean to her. Maybe she will come back and our relationship will be stronger than ever. Or, maybe this is a lesson to me to not get so attached. Or even that someone better than her is out there…that one I doubt because I truly believe there isn’t anyone better for me than her. She is just…FUCKING awesome.
“Staring down the barrel of a 45”. “There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed”. (Current song I’m listening to). May sound weird but right now it’s 2:09 PM and I just want to leave work in hopes of passing her on the road…just to see her for a brief second. Literally. But what good will that do me? I just want her to respond to me. That’s all. I just want to know she is thinking about me. I just want her to know to know I miss her.
THIS JUST IN: I’m a fucking idiot. A dumb fucking idiot. Girl or guy. Guy or girl. Is it weird I’d rather her ex that she left me for be a guy than a girl? I mean, shit…at least I can hit the fucking dude. OK…don’t know why I said that. But seriously, was I not man enough? Was I so horrible that it made her go back to a chick? LOL…that makes me laugh…sort of. Fucking bullshit. Fuck that…its actually fucking horseshit. I ended up leaving work early. I couldn’t be there any longer. She finally responded to me saying I was special and she felt bad for what happened, but it was bad timing and she shouldn’t have tried to move on that fast. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. This makes me feeling even more like an idiot. A fucking moron!
Just got back from the gym and completely obliterated legs. The best way to get this shit out of my head. Just destroy half of my body by working out my least favorite body part…fucking legs. Great workout, but just temporary satisfaction. Now I’m home by myself…thinking. Her and I have been talking through Facebook. She told me she didn’t feel like it was right to talk to me. Horseshit. Another song came on just now…that reminds me of myself: “If there’s any bitches in this room, then there’s something I gotta say. For all the fools who fell for the first girl that comes their way. I’ve been down that road and now I’m back, sitting on square one. Trying to pick myself up, from where I started from”. Yes, it is Eminem. It’s funny…whenever I tell someone that I would go back to her if she asked me…they tell me that’s fucking stupid. Is it? I don’t think so. I just care about that girl so freaking much.
So, I find myself coming back to write here because in a way, it’s kind of relieving. So many thoughts, not enough words to express. Eh, oh well. After a shower and listening to music, I’m feeling a bit better. Hopefully, this will carry over to tomorrow…hopefully. Now that I think about it, maybe I write because I’m sort of lonely now. My best friends all moved. I have friends here, but not people I would hit up on a daily basis. Most of my time is either spent at work or at the gym. She was actually keeping me occupied throughout the day. Now that I don’t have that anymore, it’s like I’m back to square one. It may seem like I’m desperate writing all of this about her, but I will continue to write on a daily basis. Not because I am desperate, because I’m not, but because this is my way of expressing my thoughts. I don’t give a fuck about what people think…this is me and this is the inside of Denis’s head.
As I’m about to go to bed, I’ve realized I’ve been writing all day. Non-stop thoughts. If only she knew…