Still on my mind…

Written on 11/21/15
So, I usually write these blogs out on paper first, before I type it out. That is usually because I write throughout the day and I wanted to make sure I captured each thought I had on paper. Tonight is different. No pen. No paper.

Been drinking that Yuengling just about all day, so I’m feeling good. Really good. Jamming out to some Breaking Benjamin now and eating some pasta. Gotta get those carbs in. Felt like I’ve been drinking all week long. Oh wait…I actually have. Every day, for the past week, I’ve been drinking. That is not good, but sadly, that is the only way I have been able to sleep lately. So much on my mind. It’s also the only way to prevent me from doing something stupid.

I told my sister and brother in law today the real reason I’m single. They laughed, not at me, but because of the reason why. For some reason, I felt a little anger. Even though I think it is a little messed up myself, I still care about that girl and would still do just about anything for her. Call me pathetic, but it’s the truth.

I understand people aren’t perfect and we all make mistakes. Hell, I’ve made PLENTY of mistakes myself and I am far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like my mistakes I’ve made in the past are catching up to me…karma. Maybe that is why I’m in the predicament I am in now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a great past couple of days, and I know I said I was over all this bullshit, but I still think about Andrea and sometimes I do get a little sad but I try not to show anyone. Everybody believes I’m over it and I’m back to how I used to be. That is sort of a lie. I never thought that one girl would have this kind of impact. Fuck, I never thought that one person in general would have this kind of impact on me. It is what it is though. I’m not going to harp on the past, but try to look towards the future. Sometimes I wonder though…will I ever find someone who loves me for me? I mean, I’m weird. I’m a fucking weird person. I’ll admit it because I don’t mind. I just sometimes doubt I will find someone who accepts me for who I truly am.

It’s not easy for me to trust someone, but when I do, I give it my all. I put everything into whatever kind of relationship we have. That is my weakness. That is my vulnerability. It’s a blessing and a curse. I will always be 100% committed.

I still find myself sending Andrea Facebook messages, even if they don’t really mean anything. I just want to see if she will respond, because this is the only way of communicating with her and for some reason I do not want to lose that. People tell me to let go and stop. Wait for her to text/call/message you. Don’t force anything….I’m afraid if I stop then I will never hear from her again. I know she is with a girl now, and I’m not sure how long that will last. People will think I’m an idiot if I ever get back with her, as I‘ve been told already. Hell, at first I thought I would have been an idiot if I ever did that after finding out she left me for a girl. But honestly, I love her. Those feelings won’t just go away overnight. I’m not afraid to say it anymore…I love her. I just feel it is too late now…

-DN

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Friday, Friday, Friday!

Written on 11/20/15
So, I haven’t written shit all day. I’m kind of tipsy/drunk right now but feel the need to write. Today has been a good fucking day. Really fucking good. Met these chicks who bought me shots because they saw that I was drinking by myself at this bar. Not bad. But for some fucking reason….I kept thinking about Andrea.

I drove by her place. I do not know why. Even though she turned into a carpet muncher, I still care for her and yes…I am curious as to what she is doing. Like, fuck. Why is that? I don’t know. Honestly, there is a small part of me that wishes she comes back to me. I would treat her so fucking well, like I already have been. Can’t stop thinking about her. FUCK.

Wrote a letter to her today…Which I am hoping that she sees one day. I will share on here. Please, if anyone can find her, let her see this. Her name is Andrea Perez.

I need some more Vodka. Been drinking dos equis, jager, and tequila all night. Why? Because I don’t fucking know. I’ve been drinking everyday since last Friday. It’s the only way I can sleep somewhat decent.

I feel like a pile of shit, that has honestly been putting on a front for the past couple of days. Thought I was happy…but honestly, I don’t think I am. I’m lonely. The highlight of my weekend will be taking my niece to go see the Hunger Games on Sunday. Other than that, I will not be doing shit. I feel like I am just typing now. I bought this chick tickets to come to Chicago with me. FUCK. I thought we were serious, hot and heavy as some people would say. Guess I was wrong.

It’s funny. I told one of buddies at work because he asked. He said I should get revenge. Want to know how? He said I should ask for her back, fuck her from behind, and then beat her ass with a baseball bat. I chuckled a bit….but couldn’t do that shit. I suggested maybe a donkey punch? But he said NO, had to be a baseball bat. I love my co workers.

Well, I’m about to go get some Vodka. Thanks for everyone who has been following or liking. I know this is relationship drama, but I really fell in love with this chick. She was my princess and I can’t get over her…even though she left me for a fucking girl. I’d still take her back if she asked me…She was that special to me. If anyone thinks differently, please let me know. I’ve heard so many different opinions, I feel like I’m holding onto a non-existent thread…but I’m optimistic and for some odd, strange, weird reason….I feel like God put her in my life for some reason. I don’t know. It’s Friday night, which only means one thing….I need more fucking Vodka.

-DN

What is your Thursday like?

Written on 11/19/20
Holy shit! I’m feeling so much better today. I think hearing from Andrea that she would rather be with a girl….in a different state, made me feel better. A lot better. Was able t talk about it, laugh at it, and have lunch with the guys. Shit is great. Way better day…Man, didn’t have much shit to write this afternoon…

So, just got back from drinking….if I’m sounding a bit off, it’s cause of the Vodka, Yuengling, and Rumpelmints. Yummmm. But today, I’e felt like I’ve been bashing on Andrea all day to everyone. Calling her a carpet muncher and shit. Honestly, I still miss her. Still think about her. Even though I felt like she did me wrong. But that is besides the point…Had a great fucking day and night.

You get stronger through each unexpected situation you get pu through. Everyone faces adversity at some point in their life. You can choose to use it as building blocks or stumbling stones. I’ve realized over the past couple of days, they have been stumbling stones for me. But why should they? She doesn’t give a fuck. Why should I? After today, I felt like they have helped me evolve. Grow. Conquer. Yes, I’ve been drinking a lot moer, but still. I think I’ve gotten stronger from this. Everything happens for a reason and I believe this shit did happen for a reason. For once, I didn’t do shit to fuck this shit up. It’s a sign…maybe. I don’t know. Fuck it. I’m drunk and still writing this shit. I need some more Vodka and sleep.

-DN

The day she left…part 4

Written on 11/18/15
DAY 5 WITHOUT HER: Woke up around 4:30 AM this morning. First thing I did? Check up on her. Ugh. I sent her a Facebook message saying I missed her a lot. Like a three legged squirrel missed their nut. Corny. I know. But that is who I truly am and she loved it…at least I thought she did. I’m at work now…it’s around 10:10 AM and I’m feeling good. Co-workers are concerned and I’m truly blessed to have these people in my life. I’m honored that people care, but if I start talking about it, I feel like I’m going to break. Day is going a lot better though…better than my previous days. I wouldn’t say that I’m getting over her but I am making progress. As weird as it may sound…I don’t really want to get over her in case she comes back. I just want these emotions to stop.

I was able to talk to a buddy of mine at work about what happened, because he was curious why I didn’t make fun of his yellow pants. Shit went well…but I did start missing her again. Was also able to crack my first joke by telling someone “it’s not cheating if you put peanut butter on y our testicles and let you dog lick them off…because it’s your dog!” (Road Trip). Ya, a little of the old Denis started coming out…but I still feel slightly empty. I keep checking my messages to see if she sent something back. It’s almost 12:10 PM and nothing. It’s about 2:00 PM and all of the sudden I feel my heart beating fast again. Not sure why. Andrea? Maybe. Work? Possibly. This has never really happened to me this many times before…all of the sudden I find myself missing her. It crossed my mind that I bought her a ticket to fly to Chicago with me for New Year’s Eve and now she isn’t coming. I joked with her “Now I’m guaranteed to have you till at least Jan 3rd”. She would tell me that I had her for much longer than that. Guess that was a lie…

Still no response from her. Ugh. I’m feeling anxious. For some reason I’m losing a little hope in this. What if she doesn’t come back? I know I need to man up and probably accept it, but I don’t want to. Not yet. Please God…She is so fucking gorgeous with an absolutely AMAZING personality. Just can’t get her out of my fucking head. Maybe I’m asking too much, or maybe this isn’t meant to be. For some reason, I felt like God brought her into my life for a reason. Not this reason, but for a different one. Like, I fell for her for more than getting hurt and feeling this way. I refuse to believe this is it.

Fuck.

Time to go destroy back. Feels like a good deadlifting day. Need to fuck some shit up.

While I was at the gym, in the middle of my superset, I was thinking to myself…maybe the reason I’m still thinking about her and missing her is because I keep writing about her. Should I stop? I feel like I should, but at the same time, I don’t want to. To me, this is the only way to keep in touch with her spiritually, since it’s somewhat apparent she doesn’t want to talk to me. In some weird way, doing this makes me feel like there is still a chance. I just don’t get how she can say the things she said to me, act like she means it, and then flip the switch to make it where I know longer exist to her. Doesn’t make sense. I need help. I need advice. I need Vodka.

Just saw something disturbing…”she’s my world and her kisses are just the next best thing” That fucking chick. She left me for a fucking chick. I’m shaking…because now I’m fucking mad. I feel like a fucking idiot. Fucking stupid. She left me for a fucking carpet muncher who lives in PA.

Word to the wise. If you are dating a girl who has a past with girls, and they don’t put a “label” on themselves as either bisexual or lesbian, but just “open” to a good personality….DON’T FUCKING TRUST THEM!

ASSDKFJKASL;DFJLAKLSJDFJKL;ASJDFKLJASDKL;FJLL;

So, after taking a quick drive…I couldn’t help but laugh. Finally…a fucking laugh. I think after confirming that shit, Denis is back. I spoke my mind to her and was mature about it…sort of. I did call her girlfriend a carpet muncher, but shit. Don’t leave me for a lesbian. I mean damn…Make up your mind. I’ll show her though. I believe this will be my last post about this subject as all of the sudden I lost interest.

-DN

The day she left…part 3

Written on 11/17/15

DAY 4 WITHOUT HER: I thought this morning was going to be easier, but nah. Still keep thinking about her, talking to myself hoping she will come back. I miss her. I wanted to send her a Facebook message this morning, but didn’t. She stopped responding to me yesterday…so I figured she didn’t want to talk to me. It’s hard not to though. I just wanted to know how she is feeling and what is going through her head. Probably that fucking chick…but still…sucks not knowing. It’s funny…I would usually find ways in the past to hate my ex’s, just so I don’t think about them anymore. Can’t do that with her…I want her to still want me. I’m actually hoping it doesn’t work out with her girlfriend and she comes running back to me. What a fantasy, huh? Maybe one day in the future she will read these and see how much she still means to me. I know people at work know that something is up. I’m not loud, cursing, hardly talking, and not cracking any perverted jokes. I’m the opposite. Quiet, keeping to myself, music playing through my headphones instead of out loud. I just don’t really feel like talking to anyone right now. When her and I first started talking, we would have lunch dates. I would leave work to go see her while she would meet me before she went in. I would meet up with her on her 30 minute lunch break after my workout. We would either go eat or I would bring her coffee and we would sit in her car and talk. Either small coffee with 5 sugars and 5 cream or an iced Chai Latte. I miss that.

I’m not feeling as down today, but I still feel a bit empty. For some reason, I still have this hope that she will come back. I just wanted God to give me a sign to keep pulling on this string of hope or to just give up because I have not shot in hell. So people keep asking me if I’m okay, and honestly, I hate hearing that fucking question. I appreciate their concern, but I end up lying to them anyways.

I’m good.

Fucking lie.

I thought the smashing of legs yesterday would somewhat make me feel better today…but it didn’t. Oh well, I guess I have to demolish chest today.

So, I just talked the most I have talked over the past couple of days to my buddy. As soon as I got back to my desk, I felt sad again. Ugh. Why the fuck is this shit happening. Why can I not feel any emotions at all. Shit fucking sucks. Like, I want to message her to make myself better but I know I shouldn’t…or should I? She’s so fucking tied up on that fucking chick. A fucking CHICK.

Fuck me.

Headphones are back in, trying to block out every fucking thing. Now that I think about it, I probably won’t be listening to The Used anymore since I got her into that band.

Fuck me.

Tinder isn’t even fucking working for me because none of these chicks can compare to her.

FUCK!

I need to get out of this shit. It’s like…my days are guided around my thoughts of her. Shit. One of my favorite sounds in the world was the sound of a couple of 45 lb plates banging together in the gym. Her laugh tops that and I can’t get that shit out of my head.

It’s close to 1 PM and now I’m back at my place cooking some salmon burgers…with no bun. Yum. As I am looking through my snaps, I see my cousins story with his wife. Why can’t I have that shit? Why can’t I have someone care about me that much. Then I thought, maybe this is karma? I’m not gonna lie, I never thought I was the best boyfriend to anyone…that could have been because of the girls I was with..but still. I regret a lot of stuff I’ve done in my past and maybe this is payback. I don’t know. I just can’t seem to figure out why this always happens to me. I think I’m a good person, but am I really? Maybe I am wrong. I just don’t get it. Will I ever? What I thought I didn’t want for the past 3 ½ years, I want more than ever now…but I want it with her. A relationship. I’m feeling a little better now…but still a little down. I just want to hear from her…that’s all.

So it’s 2:25 PM and I about lost my breath. All of the sudden I found it hard to breathe. What is wrong with me? I was just thinking about her and how this time she usually sends me a snap…but nothing. My heart is beating super fast and I cannot help it. I do not know why. Played some ping pong but that didn’t help. I need the gym. I need the iron. It’s the only way I feel OK, even though it’s temporary.

It’s happening again…heart beating fast, taking huge breaths. I’m worried. I’m anxious. I never get anxious. I want her back. Maybe it’s because I haven’t attempted to communicate with her today…and I want to but I know I shouldn’t.

It’s been about 20 minutes and now all of the sudden I felt like I did on Friday. I’m shaking. Breathing heavy. What the fuck man. If only she knew what she is doing to me. If only she would talk to me. Care about me. Be with me. I feel hopeless and weak. I feel like all these emotions I have bottled up is about to come out. I almost cried. I almost FUCKING CRIED. What the fuck. I should be doing this fucking shit.

Just got back from the gym and I feel a lot better. I’ve come to this conclusion…when I start thinking about what she is doing or talking to or even thinking…I feel down It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten close. But it was so easy. If anyone knew what kind of an amazing girl she is…they would know why. Need to get her off my mind. Porn comes to mind.

Nah…

Well…maybe.

After cooking some Polla Asada and a sweet potato, I’m kind of feeling better…also with the help of some music and a little Brooklyn 99. Maybe I only feel this way when at work, considering she works for the same company I do. When I’m at home things are better. Unless it’s the Vodka speaking. Who knows.

Anyways, until tomorrow…If only this Vodka feeling would just carry over…

-DN