Written on 11/17/15
DAY 4 WITHOUT HER: I thought this morning was going to be easier, but nah. Still keep thinking about her, talking to myself hoping she will come back. I miss her. I wanted to send her a Facebook message this morning, but didn’t. She stopped responding to me yesterday…so I figured she didn’t want to talk to me. It’s hard not to though. I just wanted to know how she is feeling and what is going through her head. Probably that fucking chick…but still…sucks not knowing. It’s funny…I would usually find ways in the past to hate my ex’s, just so I don’t think about them anymore. Can’t do that with her…I want her to still want me. I’m actually hoping it doesn’t work out with her girlfriend and she comes running back to me. What a fantasy, huh? Maybe one day in the future she will read these and see how much she still means to me. I know people at work know that something is up. I’m not loud, cursing, hardly talking, and not cracking any perverted jokes. I’m the opposite. Quiet, keeping to myself, music playing through my headphones instead of out loud. I just don’t really feel like talking to anyone right now. When her and I first started talking, we would have lunch dates. I would leave work to go see her while she would meet me before she went in. I would meet up with her on her 30 minute lunch break after my workout. We would either go eat or I would bring her coffee and we would sit in her car and talk. Either small coffee with 5 sugars and 5 cream or an iced Chai Latte. I miss that.
I’m not feeling as down today, but I still feel a bit empty. For some reason, I still have this hope that she will come back. I just wanted God to give me a sign to keep pulling on this string of hope or to just give up because I have not shot in hell. So people keep asking me if I’m okay, and honestly, I hate hearing that fucking question. I appreciate their concern, but I end up lying to them anyways.
I thought the smashing of legs yesterday would somewhat make me feel better today…but it didn’t. Oh well, I guess I have to demolish chest today.
So, I just talked the most I have talked over the past couple of days to my buddy. As soon as I got back to my desk, I felt sad again. Ugh. Why the fuck is this shit happening. Why can I not feel any emotions at all. Shit fucking sucks. Like, I want to message her to make myself better but I know I shouldn’t…or should I? She’s so fucking tied up on that fucking chick. A fucking CHICK.
Headphones are back in, trying to block out every fucking thing. Now that I think about it, I probably won’t be listening to The Used anymore since I got her into that band.
Tinder isn’t even fucking working for me because none of these chicks can compare to her.
I need to get out of this shit. It’s like…my days are guided around my thoughts of her. Shit. One of my favorite sounds in the world was the sound of a couple of 45 lb plates banging together in the gym. Her laugh tops that and I can’t get that shit out of my head.
It’s close to 1 PM and now I’m back at my place cooking some salmon burgers…with no bun. Yum. As I am looking through my snaps, I see my cousins story with his wife. Why can’t I have that shit? Why can’t I have someone care about me that much. Then I thought, maybe this is karma? I’m not gonna lie, I never thought I was the best boyfriend to anyone…that could have been because of the girls I was with..but still. I regret a lot of stuff I’ve done in my past and maybe this is payback. I don’t know. I just can’t seem to figure out why this always happens to me. I think I’m a good person, but am I really? Maybe I am wrong. I just don’t get it. Will I ever? What I thought I didn’t want for the past 3 ½ years, I want more than ever now…but I want it with her. A relationship. I’m feeling a little better now…but still a little down. I just want to hear from her…that’s all.
So it’s 2:25 PM and I about lost my breath. All of the sudden I found it hard to breathe. What is wrong with me? I was just thinking about her and how this time she usually sends me a snap…but nothing. My heart is beating super fast and I cannot help it. I do not know why. Played some ping pong but that didn’t help. I need the gym. I need the iron. It’s the only way I feel OK, even though it’s temporary.
It’s happening again…heart beating fast, taking huge breaths. I’m worried. I’m anxious. I never get anxious. I want her back. Maybe it’s because I haven’t attempted to communicate with her today…and I want to but I know I shouldn’t.
It’s been about 20 minutes and now all of the sudden I felt like I did on Friday. I’m shaking. Breathing heavy. What the fuck man. If only she knew what she is doing to me. If only she would talk to me. Care about me. Be with me. I feel hopeless and weak. I feel like all these emotions I have bottled up is about to come out. I almost cried. I almost FUCKING CRIED. What the fuck. I should be doing this fucking shit.
Just got back from the gym and I feel a lot better. I’ve come to this conclusion…when I start thinking about what she is doing or talking to or even thinking…I feel down It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten close. But it was so easy. If anyone knew what kind of an amazing girl she is…they would know why. Need to get her off my mind. Porn comes to mind.
After cooking some Polla Asada and a sweet potato, I’m kind of feeling better…also with the help of some music and a little Brooklyn 99. Maybe I only feel this way when at work, considering she works for the same company I do. When I’m at home things are better. Unless it’s the Vodka speaking. Who knows.
Anyways, until tomorrow…If only this Vodka feeling would just carry over…