Written on 11/18/15
DAY 5 WITHOUT HER: Woke up around 4:30 AM this morning. First thing I did? Check up on her. Ugh. I sent her a Facebook message saying I missed her a lot. Like a three legged squirrel missed their nut. Corny. I know. But that is who I truly am and she loved it…at least I thought she did. I’m at work now…it’s around 10:10 AM and I’m feeling good. Co-workers are concerned and I’m truly blessed to have these people in my life. I’m honored that people care, but if I start talking about it, I feel like I’m going to break. Day is going a lot better though…better than my previous days. I wouldn’t say that I’m getting over her but I am making progress. As weird as it may sound…I don’t really want to get over her in case she comes back. I just want these emotions to stop.
I was able to talk to a buddy of mine at work about what happened, because he was curious why I didn’t make fun of his yellow pants. Shit went well…but I did start missing her again. Was also able to crack my first joke by telling someone “it’s not cheating if you put peanut butter on y our testicles and let you dog lick them off…because it’s your dog!” (Road Trip). Ya, a little of the old Denis started coming out…but I still feel slightly empty. I keep checking my messages to see if she sent something back. It’s almost 12:10 PM and nothing. It’s about 2:00 PM and all of the sudden I feel my heart beating fast again. Not sure why. Andrea? Maybe. Work? Possibly. This has never really happened to me this many times before…all of the sudden I find myself missing her. It crossed my mind that I bought her a ticket to fly to Chicago with me for New Year’s Eve and now she isn’t coming. I joked with her “Now I’m guaranteed to have you till at least Jan 3rd”. She would tell me that I had her for much longer than that. Guess that was a lie…
Still no response from her. Ugh. I’m feeling anxious. For some reason I’m losing a little hope in this. What if she doesn’t come back? I know I need to man up and probably accept it, but I don’t want to. Not yet. Please God…She is so fucking gorgeous with an absolutely AMAZING personality. Just can’t get her out of my fucking head. Maybe I’m asking too much, or maybe this isn’t meant to be. For some reason, I felt like God brought her into my life for a reason. Not this reason, but for a different one. Like, I fell for her for more than getting hurt and feeling this way. I refuse to believe this is it.
Time to go destroy back. Feels like a good deadlifting day. Need to fuck some shit up.
While I was at the gym, in the middle of my superset, I was thinking to myself…maybe the reason I’m still thinking about her and missing her is because I keep writing about her. Should I stop? I feel like I should, but at the same time, I don’t want to. To me, this is the only way to keep in touch with her spiritually, since it’s somewhat apparent she doesn’t want to talk to me. In some weird way, doing this makes me feel like there is still a chance. I just don’t get how she can say the things she said to me, act like she means it, and then flip the switch to make it where I know longer exist to her. Doesn’t make sense. I need help. I need advice. I need Vodka.
Just saw something disturbing…”she’s my world and her kisses are just the next best thing” That fucking chick. She left me for a fucking chick. I’m shaking…because now I’m fucking mad. I feel like a fucking idiot. Fucking stupid. She left me for a fucking carpet muncher who lives in PA.
Word to the wise. If you are dating a girl who has a past with girls, and they don’t put a “label” on themselves as either bisexual or lesbian, but just “open” to a good personality….DON’T FUCKING TRUST THEM!
So, after taking a quick drive…I couldn’t help but laugh. Finally…a fucking laugh. I think after confirming that shit, Denis is back. I spoke my mind to her and was mature about it…sort of. I did call her girlfriend a carpet muncher, but shit. Don’t leave me for a lesbian. I mean damn…Make up your mind. I’ll show her though. I believe this will be my last post about this subject as all of the sudden I lost interest.